A few weeks ago (March 31, 2020, for those of you with screenshots :P), I tried to do this Tarot Tuesday thing. At this moment, I'm three drinks (four drinks?) into my Friday night and overwhelmed to the point that... Do you know what it feels like to be at the bottom of an orgy that was going so fucking well until, well, you ended up at the bottom of a pile of writhing warm bodies? Neither do I. But I can imagine.
I have a great life. Things are going really well, despite the fact that there's a fucking pandemic going on. It really doesn't matter what life throws at me. I roll with it. It's whatever, bruh.
Despite COVID-19, life is good. Work is going great. I received my notarial commission, which was a huge milestone on my current trajectory. You never know where I'll be in a year, so that's why it's so fucking amazing. I did something already on my path! YAY for one consistent step in the same direction I was walking yesterday. Like I'm doing the bunny hop on the fucking moon. Step two achieved, bitches! Clap yo fuckin' hands! Where my gold star, bitch?!
Sorry. Where was I? Right. Work is good. I'm getting more responsibility every day, and learning how to do things I never thought I'd ever encounter. I make mistakes--humans do and I am human. But I'm meeting every challenge with enthusiasm, and meeting my own expectations which have always been ridiculously high. Work is going great.
The home life is also good. All our issues are those you'd find in any average household with a man, woman, two teenage girls, and our sweet little third child. We've got eldest daughter issues, middle child issues, and the two of them are close in age so the youngest has some third wheel issues going on. They have everything handed to them, so they don't appreciate anything. So there's issues Hubs and I are dealing with as well, trying to give our kids everything while avoiding raising assholes. Struggling to maintain a balance. And sometimes failing. But forgiveness abounds in this household. And so does love.
Editing is going great. I'm booked through June, and this makes me happy. Writing is... not going. I'm always studying something, but even that has stalled. Those are two things I love doing more than anything else in this world except fucking. I think I know why I've stalled out, though. I won't blame it on DID this time (because I don't think that's the problem this time). I haven't been taking my meds properly since the whole pandemic thing started.
There it is: the impact.
I thought things were going pretty fucking well for a pandemic. They aren't. I'm just a fucking zombie right now. I'm operating at... IDK, but it ain't fucking 100% capacity. It's round about 50%. I'd hate to see what my TSH levels are right now. I've been taking my meds every morning now for exactly two days, and here I am finally (barely) managing a blog post. I've got invoices I need to send for soaps I sent out (another thing I love doing that I can't find the energy for), and other things I need to do (and love doing). But this is about all the brainpower and time I have for today. This blog post took the last of my spoons.
I don't know if I'll pick up the Tuesday Tarot thing again. I hope so. I love reading tarot and I love writing, and merging those two interests is something I was really looking forward to. If I am going to do so, I'll need to establish a new routine for meds. And I actually have done so, but I need to stick with it. I'll try my best. I left the bottle of meds and a bottled water on my bedside table. Every morning, that should be the first thing I do before I even get out of the bed no matter how I spend the rest of my day. Hopefully, that'll stick. But if you know me, you know consistency isn't my strong suit.
If you're still with me thus far, thank you. No, really. Thank you. It's fun when I'm "on," but pretty fucking dead when I'm not. Sorry about that. I'll do my best to make it worth your while during those times when I'm not a zombie. For now, all I can do is ask for your patience and thank you for checking in.
I hope this message has found you safe and well.
All my love,
Jess is currently pursuing a state of self-induced psychosis (reading, writing, or editing).